Hello. My name is Kari DeBerg and I am a recovering People Pleaser.
If deep introspection and overthinking annoys the crap out of you, stop reading now. I'm about to come across as highly neurotic and maybe in need of counseling. I'm working on it. Two weeks from now I probably won't feel this way. This is just where I'm at today. (And, to varying degrees, my whole life. Haha.)
If you don't know me that well, here is a glimpse into my head. Other peoples' suffering is pretty much intolerable to me. If you get hurt, like a cut or stub your toe, or worse-- You break your leg and the bone is sticking out through your flesh-- I can't stand it. This goes beyond just "squeamish." I can feel your pain. And not just physical pain... emotional, mental, spiritual... any kind of pain is up for me to grab. When the news reports something horrific happening to someone, I instantly, mentally, emotionally and spiritually step into that person's skin. I have to will myself to STOP thinking about it. Sometimes I can't. I pray for them. (This is called Identification Intercession, and it's a gift I didn't ask for, and don't yet know how to use properly.) Sometimes (this is when it gets toxic,) it's hard for me to just let it go and give it over to God. I know I'm not God and I can't "fix" them, but sometimes I get really, really stuck. It's a daily battle. It's called being "co-dependent," and it's something I am desperate to be rid of. Not the compassion part of it, or the identification intercession, but the taking-responsibility-for things-that-are-not-my-responsibility part.
If you've asked me if I've seen such-and-such a movie, the answer is probably "no." I like movies... well, sort of. Unfortunately plot structure of almost any story requires that there be some kind of conflict and then a conflict resolution. No one writes a story where everything is great and just stays that way. For most people, that would be really boring. I, on the other hand, would love that movie. Because when bad things happen to people in movies, that hurts my heart/head too. I know it's not real. But it's hard for me to not hurt for the possibility that someone might go through that. Violence in a movie physically hurts me.
This tyrannical burden of other people's problems extends even to people just being disappointed, unhappy, angry, sad and hurt... especially when it's with me. Hence, my lifelong daily battle with people pleasing. I loathe it. I try to not fall into it, and I make progress. I am freer from it today than I was a year ago. But I see that it's a multi-layered problem that goes very deep, and I'm not finished. Yet.
I used to have a tremendous amount of trouble saying "no" to people. Because of course if you say "no," the person will be disappointed, which was unacceptable. Never mind the treadmill I was running on to keep all the plates spinning in the air so that no one was ever disappointed. But, inevitably, I was still disappointing people, no matter what I did. I would try to counter that with making one or more people exceedingly happy. Not sure what the numerical ratio of happy people to unhappy people creates my warped sense of "balance", but even when I thought it was working, deep down I knew it wasn't working.
By now you are most likely 1.) bored, 2.) thinking I'm incredibly self-absorbed and sick, 3.) wondering what the point of all of this is, or 4.) some combination or all of the above. I'm hovering between wanting to relieve you of those feelings and needing to say what I need to say.
I say all of this so that you can know what is at stake. What I am working very hard to be rid of. This counterfeit bastardization of "compassion" is not useful to anyone or anything. It is a hindrance that needs to be removed and/or repaired. I liken it to a disease. Not a disease I will die from, but one that really limits my effectiveness in the life that God gave me to make a specific, profound impact. When I try to control and fix and rescue everyone, I don't give God a chance to be God. Being limited in my potential is not at all acceptable to me, but the possibility of limiting God's potential for impact in my life is, for me, a 911 emergency.
My dearest friend and mentor, Jennifer, has been faithful to walk alongside me while I seek to remove this "thorn" from my side. She has applauded my successes and lovingly redirected me in my failures. She has encouraged and instructed me. She has rebuked me when I needed rebuking. Most of what I have "known" up to this point, has just been head knowledge. I have known how I needed to think, act, react.... but it was not usually my default or gut-reaction. Deep inside, I have still been wanting people to be happy, especially with me. I have wanted to NOT want that. That seems like not enough, but the beautiful truth is.... It is. Desire to change-- I mean, true, heartfelt, passionate, whatever-it-takes desire-- is the first step. There are many steps after that, but at least it is a movement in the right direction.
Over the past several months, I've had the same not-Earth-shattering thought, that recently kind of shattered my Earth. If I want to be rid of people pleasing and counterfeit compassion (which is really just self-promotion,) I have to run in the opposite direction. That actually means choosing actions that will obviously and rapidly bring people-dis-pleasing. I have to try to be unpopular, not funny, not cute, not smart, not loving/loveable, not generous, not good... Ugh... not good. All those things that I want to be seen as, have to fall from my hands. I don't intend to do this in a weird, contrived way, where I shave my head and say mean things, and steal cookies from little children, because that would just draw a lot of attention for no discernible, intentional reason. The point is not to try to make people mad, but to stop trying to NOT MAKE PEOPLE MAD. The point is not to look ugly, but to stop trying so hard to not look ugly. It's not about being stingy and having cold love, but to stop trying so hard to prove my love. (Especially by saying "yes" to things I really want to say "no" to, but don't want to say "no" because then I can't be the hero I want you to think I am.) In short, I will not compromise my values of love, honor, mercy, justice, grace, etc.... but in doing so I also will not exalt or promote myself above God or anyone else. Easier said than done.
Did you know that to truly love someone, you cannot think about the ways (even tiny, inconsequential ways,) that you are better than them? And if you are afraid of what they might think of you and what you do or do not do, you are really not loving them. 1 John 4:18 says "there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." If I'm worrying about what you think, what I'm really worrying about is that in some way you will be better than me. And by not wanting you to be better than me, logically it's because I want to be better than you. That's not love. That punches a lot of holes in my "compassion," doesn't it? Fear and love are not compatible. Ever.
Recently I was challenged (twice) to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. (If you have no idea what this is, click here for an explanation: http://www.alsa.org/fight-als/ice-bucket-challenge.html
Truth be told I'm not a fan of cold water on my head, BUT... That's not the reason I didn't do it. If it was just about physical discomfort, I would have done it. When I was first challenged, I had this terrible uneasy feeling that I couldn't put my finger on. At first I thought it was fear of the cold water or the ice cubes hitting me in the head. But I knew that wasn't it. It wasn't that I didn't want to donate... I do care about the people who have been diagnosed with this disease, or are suffering with it now, or have lost loved ones. If you don't believe me, you didn't read the first half of this ridiculously long blog. It took me probably a week to figure out why I knew for sure I could not and would not pour a bucket of ice over my head and post the video of it on Facebook.
It was because the only reason I would have done it, was to satisfy the demands of other people. I, in my heart, did not want to do it. I want to move forward in health and healing towards TRULY loving my fellow human beings more than I want to make you happy for 1 minute on Facebook. The 3-weeks-ago Kari would have dumped ice on her head for one reason and one reason only: just to not make people mad, or make them think I wasn't caring or generous, or cool. (Punny! Cool! Ice!)
But when you're trying to get healed from something that is crippling you, you stop feeding the disease. My disease of people pleasing is nowhere near as awful as ALS. Not even close. But, if the people who have ALS could be rid of their disease by just changing a wrong attitude or mindset that they have persisted in their whole life, I would bet 100% of them would do it in a heartbeat. So I donated, and I didn't dump. People got mad at me. It felt bad. It wasn't easy. I didn't do it perfectly this time, but I can tell you confidently that I am healthier in my head and heart than I was 2 weeks ago, and the next time this kind of thing comes around again, I will know what to do. It will get easier and feel more natural. Some day, true other-person-focused, dead-to-self compassion will be my gut reaction. And then, God will actually be able to use me to accomplish His purposes for some of the sick, broken, wounded, hurting, needy people who cross my path. People who desperately need true compassion, disentangled from my own warped, self-serving motives. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer (way closer) than I ever imagined I could be. I'm getting there. If you're on the same road, let's encourage one another.
If you hated this blog and found it incredibly boring, neurotic, self-absorbed and confusing, please let me know in the comments below. :) It would be good for me to deal with that. OH, and if you did do the ice bucket challenge, or posted your bra color to promote breast cancer awareness, or any other of the hundreds of bandwagon things I will not be participating in, PLEASE (hear me) please do not take one word of this as an indictment of your choices. If I were gluten intolerant, I would not expect you to not eat a piece of bread in front of me. What the Lord has put upon me to help me to get free, is my prescription. Not necessarily yours.
